Here we are once again, that time of year again where most people are making commitments that in another 365 days they are not going to be the weight they are today. Maybe you are one of those people (I sure am!). As you set your goals/resolutions/commitments for this year you know that in the past sometimes you ans sometimes you have been less than successful. What would it look like if you made a commitment to have an amazing and healthy sex life in 2018 and be successful? Does thinking about that scare you? Are you resigned about the state of your sex life? Well you don’t have to be. After a decade of working with hundreds of people I have cracked the code. I will share three top 3 things I have learned that can make a big difference in your sex life this year:
1). Response – ability
If you are anything like me the last thing you want to do is take on more responsibility. You may think responsibility is about about piling more to do things on top of your already enormous list of things to do or be (hero/heroine, teacher, friend, supporter, boss, employee, parent, son, daughter, leader etc.). I want to offer you a more empowering way to look at responsibility especially when it comes to sex. More often then not we think that a large part of the success of our sex life depends on our partner. Take a moment and think about when you haven’t been happy with your sex life. The easiest thing to do (and don’t worry, I am guilty of this too) is to blame your partner. For 2018, I invite you to take on being 100% responsible for the success of your sex life. What I mean by being responsible is you having the ability to respond. If you break down the word responsibility into its two root words “respond” and “ability”. Everybody is born with the ability to react or reactablility but very few people embrace the ability to respond. What that looks like is next time something happens in your sex life that you are not happy with take a moment and think about how you want to respond and where you can be responsible. Take a personal time out for a few minutes, take some deep breaths and think about how you want to respond. Chances are you know what will happen if you just go with your knee-jerk response……….. and it usually isn’t good. So in 2018 own your sex life and be 100% responsible.
2). Sex is a symptom
Are you in a relationship where everything else is working but the sex? As a sex therapist one of the most common things I hear is “if we just could improve our sex life everything would be fine”. In my experience, sex is not the issue nor is it the solution but rather the symptom. What I mean by that is there is almost always an unresolved issue or concern that is getting the in the way of you connecting sexually with your partner. Think about it, one of the most natural things to do when you are standing in front of someone you love and are attracted to is to connect with them physically. So what happened to that attraction when did that sexual erosion begin? When did you start putting up your walls. What incidents did you “forgive but not forget”, or “swept under the rug”? You can’t walk on the rug because it is so bumpy and your sex life begins to fall apart. Sex is a symptom of what is going on in your relationship. Do you feel safe, respected, appreciated, valued? If not, go to work on those and the sexual component more often than not will work itself out.
3). Talk it out, do not hide out
If you are avoiding having that conversation, you know that awkward one where you don’t know how they will respond or what the outcome will be. HAVE IT! The moment you decide not to talk about it your sex life begins to die. You don’t have to perfect. You don’t have to sound smart…. but you do have to have it. Respect the reality of what is going on (or not going on) in your sex life and talk about it. Out of all the weird, wonderful things that we can do with our mouths when it comes to sex, talking is the most powerful. If you don’t talk you are going to have more of the same in 2018. Let’s change up the game.
Follow the above three guidelines and you will be well on your way to a better sex life this year.
- Posted by Dr. Stephen de Wit
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