Sexual chemistry……. That elusive ideal that we have been taught is a sign that things are meant to be……………….. Or not. In my experience sexual chemistry is something that is created not stumbled upon. Think about it as any good chemist they spend time in the lab exploring and experimenting with things until they find what works. I encourage you to do the same thing in your own sex lab. Below I have distilled the basics of sexual chemistry (honesty, respect and safety) for you to use as building blocks to create great sexual chemistry through the use of an acronym S.W.A.T.B Don’t worry you will not have heavily armoured men with semi automatic weapons breaking down your door. S.W.A.T.B stands for Safe Words, Well-Being, Aftercare, Triggers, and Boundaries.
Safe words are the thing to create with your partner regardless if you are exploring with a new partner or trying something new with a current partner. They are words that are used to either stop all interactions or to slow things down. These are going to be two separate words. The most common safe word for people is RED for stop and ORANGE to slow down. Feel free to make your own–your safe words should be something that you wouldn’t normally say during sex. People are often asked, “well if I say ‘no’ or ‘stop’, doesn’t that work?” Sometime yes, but sometimes people use “no” or “stop” to build sexual tension. A safe word is something that you would never say during sex, something said to alert your partner to your discomfort. However, if you have not created safe words with your partners “no” and “stop” should always be respected immediately.
You want to share with your partners if there are any physical injuries or mental stresses going on for you. You’ve got a sore neck, you have twisted your arm, you’ve stubbed your toe or if you are feeling sad, depressed …etc. Anything that they should be aware of before you start playing should be communicated and taken into consideration.
What do you need after sex? Do you need to be snuggles? Cuddles? A glass of water? Have a shower? Or, go to sleep? Aftercare is about what you need and it is fundamental to bringing closure to that sexual experience. Aftercare is, very simply, the time you and your partner take after play time to recover and also to satisfy each other’s emotional and physical needs.
Triggers are going to be things that your partner says or does that can upset you, or that can take you out of a sexual headspace. It could be referring to you by a particular name or it could be touching you in a particular way. It’s something to get really clear on and communicate it to your partners.
Know your boundaries–both hard and soft ones. A hard boundary is something that you don’t ever want to do and you’re not comfortable with it at all. A soft boundary is something that you’re not comfortable with most of the time, but there could be different times when you could be comfortable with it, but you need your partner to check in with you. Get really clear on what those boundaries are and if you think you don’t have any boundaries…trust me you do! If you not sure of your boundaries, check out my sex menu and use it as a tool to help you figure out what you are open to exploring in your sex life (http://drdewit.com/sex-menu/). By being clear about your boundaries you are working with your partner to create a consensual sex life you can both enjoy safely.
These five elements will allow you to relax and enjoy the experience you create with your partner(s). Some people think it is not romantic or spontaneous, or they think they only need it if they are exploring kink. If you want to evolve your sexual communication and sex life I highly recommend discussing the above 5 points.
- Posted by Dr. Stephen de Wit
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