A great person, much smarter than me, once said, “I reject your reality and substitute my own”. As human beings, we want to be able to create our own reality, and sometimes that may be in alignment with what’s really going on, but it’s more often the case that it’s not. This is especially true around sex. If things are not working in your relationship or in your sex life, respect the reality that they’re not working. Do not minimize them, do not brush them under the table, do not hide them. I promise you–they will come back bigger and uglier, and cause more issues down the line!
There is nothing wrong with having issues and concerns about your sex life (we all will at one time or another). There’s nothing wrong with having bad sex. There’s nothing wrong with being stuck. We will all experience that in life. When you can respect the reality of what’s going on, you can actually start dealing with where the breakdowns are and therefore access the root of what’s not working in your sex life.
Take a moment and think about the areas of your sex life that you have been avoiding/pretending aren’t important: what are they? How do they make you feel about yourself? About your partner? About sex in general? What is it that you value about sex or what type of sex do you want to be having with your partner(s)?
As I shared in an earlier blog (http://drdewit.com/2017/01/are-you-sexually-wealthy/), we have a number of very limited ways of expressing ourselves sexually because we have been taught that there are only a few ways to have the sex that we want or to have the partners that we want or to have the type of sex that we want. This is why it’s important to develop your own sexual core values–values that enable you to express yourself as a sexual being and that let you connect sexually with partners.
Developing a level of awareness around your sexual core values will serve as a grounding point and a screen to evaluate your sexual choices. When making a decision about sex or any aspect of your sexuality, ask yourself, are these aligned with my sexual core values? Moreover, do these decisions reflect the true realities of your sex life or the sex life you wish to create? Some easy ones are Honesty, Respect and Safety which I refer to as the triad of trust… more on this in an upcoming blog.
In no uncertain terms are you supposed to limit yourself to a less than exciting, less than fun, less than pleasurable sex life! You have one life to live. Do you want to do and be what other people expected you to do an be? Or do you want to live the sex life you came here to live?
Hopefully, you answered YES to that last question are ready to stop accepting less than fully satisfying and engaged sex life! And, one of the steps you can take in this process to accept the reality of your current sex life and get really clear on what are your sexual core values. Respect the reality of where your sex life is at right this moment and then get into action. Ask questions, get information, get educated and start creating the sex life you deserve.
- Posted by Dr. Stephen de Wit
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