Men want sex all the time. Women always want foreplay (more on foreplay coming up in another post). These are just two of the common myths that are out there and are often found in reading magazines or click bait articles. You may have seen “The top 10 ways to blow your partner’s mind!” or “How to give them hour long orgasms” or “How to keep them coming back for more”. (I often wonder how they know what my partner/s like/want…. Have they had sex with them?) While these titles can sound enticing, these titles are focused on one thing–selling! They want to sell magazines and get more clicks. So they focus on our innate sexual insecurities to do so. They certainly don’t care about providing you with content rich, salient sex education. Believing these generalizations can lead to paralysis in your relationships because your partner may not be the type of man who always wants sex all the time or the type of woman who always wants foreplay. There is only one way to find out and that is to have a conversation and find out what they enjoy rather than comparing them to what you think they want (or should want) based on what you read in some magazine or online.
When we start looking at generalizations and say all men are this or all women are that, it’s a disempowering place for you to come from because you’re trusting someone else who says that they know everything about all men or someone else who says that they know everything about all women–that’s just unrealistic! It can be a good conversation starter in finding out what really works for them but don’t generalize and take it as fact! Last week, I talked about the difference between being an architect and archaeologist with it comes to your sex life (http://drdewit.com/2017/06/are-you-a-sexual-archaeologist-or-an-sexual-architect/) and just as focusing on the past does little to create the future you want, getting caught up in generalizations will prevent you from having the amazing sex life you deserve!
On a similar note, because something worked for a past partner does not mean that it will work for a new partner. Have a conversation with them! Find out! Do not assume because it worked for a past partner that it will work for a new partner! Ask questions–but just not any questions! Ask powerful questions that can help evolve your relationships! These types of questions have a level of authenticity and honesty about them that help foster and grow your relationships to another level.
So, what are these questions? Powerful questions to ask are:
- What do I do during sex that you really enjoy?
- Is there anything specific you want to try sexually?
- After we have sex how do you feel about me/our relationship?
- How can I show you I am sexually attracted to you?
- What does it mean to you if/when I orgasm?
These are powerful questions that I encourage you to ask your partners often. Also, be prepared to answer these questions yourself. Stop relying on generalizations when it comes to your sex life! Instead, focus on creating relationships with your partners that fully express who you are, and who they are, as sexual beings. Your turn-ons, your desires, and your needs are constantly evolving. Allow them to and give them space to grow away from generalizations that don’t serve you or your partners.
- Posted by Dr. Stephen de Wit
- 0 Comments