People are fascinated with why they are the way they are sexually, or why their partners are the way they are sexually. They want to know why their partners like having sex a particular way or why they are interested in exploring a particular kink or fetish. People are adamant that there has to be something that happened in their past, some sort or trauma or abuse to explain why their sexual interests are seemingly normal or conventional. As I have discussed before, this often not the case. To read more about this click here – http://drdewit.com/2016/11/so-you-like-bdsm-are-you-broken/.
Who we are sexually and how we’ve been created sexually doesn’t have to come from bad experiences that we’ve had. It could just be something that really works for you at a particular time in your life. You can spend a great deal of time focusing on the past and digging it up and trying to understand it–but all you will be doing is trying to fix something where there is nothing broken! It’s an exercise in futility! You like what you like, and you don’t like what you don’t like and if that works for you right now then go for it!
It is important to understand where you have come from to be able to navigate where you want to go. However, this is distinct from dwelling in, wallowing in, making yourself wrong for something. We cannot change what has happened in the past. The only aspect of our life that we have control of is what is happening right now. Like immediately, as your eyeballs are reading this you are already judging an assessing if this fits into your understanding of yourself. You may be saying to yourself “Well that may work for some people but Stephen does not know what I have gone through” and that is true I don’t. However, I have worked with hundreds of people and heard about most things that people have endured and these people are still able to architect the sex life they want.
Furthermore, evolution is part of who we are as human beings. It allows us to adapt, to change, to survive, to reproduce, and to succeed! But when it comes to sex, we often get stuck in our way of relating to ourselves and our partners (the past). This often leaves no room for evolution. But guess what? We sexually evolve whether we want to or not! Don’t get stuck in the past! The fact of the matter is you are not the same person you used to be, and for that matter your partner is not the same person they used to be either–so why is it that we expect our sex life to be the same! Be open to evolving your sex life with your partner. Be an architect and design a sex life that works for you at this moment in time!
- Posted by Dr. Stephen de Wit
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