The key to having a great sexual connection with other people is having a great sexual connection with yourself. The most important sexual relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. Once you have reached that level of sexual comfort and confidence with yourself, only then can you reach that level with someone else. In seminars I always ask people who would like to find the world’s best lover raise your hand? Pretty much everyone raises their hand. Then I tell them, to look up at their hand and tell them that they have already found the world’s best lover. This always gets a good laugh.
The myth that sex should come naturally is just that…. a myth. Some people think that to show a partner how you like to receive pleasure is unromantic, ruins the moment, or is too clinical and calculating. Asking questions, being open about uncertainties, and teaching can be an intimate and pleasurable part of your sex life, and ultimately will lead to better sex.
We know our bodies better than anyone. We know what feels good. Each person is different. We each have a sexual fingerprint that makes us unique: there is no one technique, position, trick, toy, lube, location, scent, word, or taste that will work all the time. So it is your responsibility to find out what works for you, and then to educate your partner(s).
Using sex toys can be a fun and easy way to add something to your sex life. They are a great way to experience new and exciting ways of connecting with your partner. Employees who work at adult stores are usually well trained, friendly, and very educated. Toys will not replace your partner, and will not do nerve damage if you use them too much.
Sometimes I hear that people get upset and offended when they find out their partners use or are interested in using sex toys. They think that using toys mean they are not good enough or that they should be able to satisfy their partner without toys. If you are one of these people I invite you to think of toys as something to add onto your sexual repertoire, rather than something that detracts from or is disrespectful or replaces you in some way. And I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get really tired and it is sometimes nice to have some support. 😉
Now is the time to take ownership of your body. When we know, love, and nurture ourselves on emotional and physical levels, we gain confidence and grow through self-awareness. Being able to recognize, articulate, and experience what brings pleasure is a powerful step toward sexual freedom.
If anyone ever tells you that who you are, what you do, or what you like is wrong or bad, that is a clear indication that this is not a person who is a match for you. There is no set rule or expectation about who you are supposed to be sexually. There is just what works for you.
Most of us are sexually unconscious. We have not taken the time or spent the energy on actually looking at who we are sexually. In the process of connecting with yourself and understanding yourself, what society deems to be normal or right will no longer have the hold on you that it has had for most of your life. For the first time, you get to begin to get in touch with yourself, to ensure that the sex that you are having is congruent with who you are as a person.
Happy pleasuring yourself.
- Posted by Dr. Stephen de Wit
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