So, who are you sexually? How do you think about sex? What are your sexual habits and patterns? How do you feel about your sexuality? How well do you relate to others? How much do you trust others? Do you truly believe that you deserve a great sex life? Do you have the capacity to act in spite of worry, guilt or fear? The truth of the matter is that your thinking and your beliefs are a critical part of what determines your sexual success.
In life, it is normal to experience a fabulous, exciting sexual connection with one partner, then the connection and chemistry fizzles, sputters and dies quickly. Or you have scintillating, hot, spicy sex for a period of time, and then you lose it suddenly with no explanation. Why does this happen? How do we stop this from happening? Well, in order to understand your sex life, you first have to understand what is going on inside your head. Each and every one of us has a personal sexual blueprint that is embedded in our subconscious mind–and more than anything else this sexual blueprint will determine your sexual destiny.
So, what is a sexual blueprint?
Your sexual blueprint is your pre-set program or way of being in relationship to sex. When it comes to sex, it is the foundation that everything else is built on! Your sex blueprint is made up of a combination of your thoughts, feelings, and actions in the arena of sex. Your sex blueprint consists primarily of the information or “programming” you received in the past, especially as a young child. The primary sources of this programming for most people includes: parents, siblings, friends, authority figures, teachers, religious leaders, media, sex education, and your culture, to name only a few. Your programming leads to your thoughts, which lead to your feelings, which lead to your actions, which lead to your results.
There are three main ways that we are conditioned or programmed:
Verbal direction: What were you told/did you hear about sex when you were young?
Reflecting: What did you see when you were young?
Emotional Incidents: What did you experience when you were young?
These three elements of conditioning are very powerful. They are the source of your sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Understanding these three aspects of conditioning is important to learn how to recondition yourself for sexual success and redesign your blueprint.
Let’s take a closer look at your personal conditioning for a moment, shall we? Beginning with verbal direction, what were you told about sex, or people who had lots of sex when you were growing up? Perhaps you heard messages like “If you have sex you are dirty, unwanted, will be disowned. You’ll get pregnant, no one will want you, you’re a slut, you will get a disease, you’re evil, are impure, are going to hell,” or “sex is good and healthy, masturbation is normal” and so on. All the statements you heard about sex when you were young remain in your subconscious mind as part of your sexual blueprint. What were you told/did you hear about sex when you were young?
Reflecting is the second way we are conditioned. Think about what your parents or parental figures were like in the arena of sex when you were growing up. Did one or both of your parents cheat? Were your parents divorced? Did they have multiple boyfriends or girlfriends? Do you remember your parents having sex? Did your parents fight about sex? Do you remember hearing your parents having sex? Did you walk in on your parents having sex? Your sexual blueprint is often closely related to how your parents (or parental figures) were in the arena of sex. Either you made it wrong and tried to be different (do the opposite), or you made it right and tried to emulate your parents (replicate).
The third way we are conditioned is the experience of a specific emotional incident. This is something that happened when you were young that had an emotional impact on you. What did you experience around sex when you were young? Were you caught in the act and scolded? Or were you caught in the act and supported and educated. Did you experience unwanted touching? Did you get in trouble for playing doctor with the neighbour? Were you reprimanded for touching yourself? Was your first sexual experience a great one? These experiences are very important as they shape and sculpt the beliefs that run your sex life.
Next week will with chat about the 3 steps to rewriting your sexual blueprint.
- Posted by Dr. Stephen de Wit
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