What does sexual freedom look like for you?
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been sharing with you tips on how to develop sexual awareness, how to develop your sexual self esteem and the importance of developing sexual responsibility. Now, it’s time to think about the type of sex you want to create in your life. Take a moment and think about what type of sex life you would create for yourself–free yourself of standards, ideals, norms and expectations (S.I.N.E) and think about what would really serve you! Don’t know where to start? Well, a good place to start is to think about how much sex you want to have and who you want to have that sex with!
Creating How Much Sex You Want to Have:
What is the right amount of sex? Somewhere along the line we were told that more is better. More sex is better, more orgasms are better, longer is better etc. That’s not the case! All that matters is what works for you and what works for your partner. Ask yourself, when it comes to sex what really would serve you? What do you really want to explore/try? What would you want sex to look like? This could be anything from frequency, duration, positions, partners, kinks, fetishes, emotions and connections. It’s anything you want!
Creating Who You Want to Have Sex With:
This is an interesting step–especially for those of you who are already in a relationship! You’re probably sitting there thinking um, does this mean I get to say I want to have sex with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? What do you mean who do I have sex with? I am married. This is my boyfriend, or this is my girlfriend and we are monogamous! If you’re in an exclusive relationship and you’re happy in that, creating who you want to have sex with means using your skills as a communicator to share with your partner what you are looking for from them in ways that are both honest and authentic. You always want to approach this type of conversation in a way that non-judgmental–your goal isn’t to make your partner feel wrong or bad! It’s about creating with them a sexual partnership that honours your needs, wants and desires as well as theirs.
For those of you who don’t have a partner right now, this process means you actually get to create an ideal sexual partner for yourself by carefully considering what works for you when it comes to sex. And, when you do meet this person you will be able to have a conversation with them about who you are sexually. Being able to talk about what really works for you sexually without having any kind of guilt or any kind of shame is powerful and transformational. If you have never had a conversation like this before you may be thinking to yourself – “that is a weird conversation” or “I could never say that to someone” my advice is to try it. After working with hundreds of people the key to great sex is communication, hoping and praying for sexual chemistry is a hit and miss approach and it does not bode well for the long term. It may be hot and heavy for the first 3/6/12 months or maybe even longer but without strong communication your sex life will begin to fade.
In an earlier blog I shared with you the L.I.T.A. technique as a way for you to begin awkward and uncomfortable conversations about sex–but today I want to continue to build on this conversation and share with some more tips on how to fully create a meaningful sexual expression for yourself–whether your partnered up or single following these tips will help you create the sex life you’ve always wanted and deserve!
Powerful Questions Exercise:
In my work with clients and audiences, there are several questions that allow people to continue to evolve their sexual relationships. These are questions that allow people to have a level of authenticity and honesty in how they communicate with each other about sex and about their relationships. So, what I encourage you to do is ask these questions as often as you can! It can be daily, or weekly, or monthly! Again, this is specific to those people who are in a partnership. If you are single, this is something that’s great for you to take on when you do have that special person or people in your life.
So, what are these questions? Well, I am glad you asked! Powerful questions to ask are:
- What do you need right now?
- When did you feel loved today/this week?
- When did you feel lonely?
- What did I do today/this week that made you feel appreciated?
- What did I say that made you feel noticed?
- What can I do to support you right now?
These are powerful questions that I encourage you to ask your partner as often as possible. While these questions are not directly about sex they are about your relationship. I have found that sex is a symptom of your relationship. So if your relationship is strong more than likely your sex life will be as well.
- Posted by Dr. Stephen de Wit
- 0 Comments