Evolution is part of who we are as human beings. It’s about the gradual development of something simple into something more complex; a process that allows us to adapt, change, survive, reproduce and succeed as a species. We understand that our careers will evolve; no longer do we stay with one company and move our way up and retire with a gold watch like our parents and grandparents may have. These days, it is not uncommon for someone to change careers five times in their life. We also accept that our bodies change and evolve as we age, and we adapt our lifestyles to what our bodies can endure and support.
Yet, when it comes to sex, we seem to forget that evolution is inevitable. We often get stuck in our way of relating to ourselves and our partners and this leaves no room for the evolution of our sexual relationships (with ourselves and with others). It is one of the most common complaints that I hear from clients, “the sex just isn’t how it used to be”, “we don’t do it as often”, “I used to have great sex with my partners”, “it is not the same”. The fact of the matter is you are not the same person you used to be, and for that matter your partner (if you have one) is not the same person they used to be, so why is it that we expect our sex lives (or what we enjoy about sex) to always remain the same? Well folks, I am hear to tell you that we sexually evolve whether we want to or not! So, let’s embrace this point and start to think about how this can contribute to creating the incredible sex life you want and deserve.
We grow up with such rigid rules about sex and they wreck havoc on how we express our sexuality. Simply put, our thinking about sex has become straight-jacketed! Now, at the start of a New Year full of possibilities, it’s time to loosen the straps and realize that evolution is a natural part of sex and you need to give yourself the space to do so. Who you were last year is not who you are now, nor will you be the same person a year from now. What turns you on sexually, what you desire, and what you need sexually will naturally evolve and change. Give yourself (and your partner(s)) the space to grow and change. Allow yourself and others the space to create new identities and embrace those changes.
This may mean that the relationship you’re in might also need to change and evolve–and in some cases even end. You may wake up one morning and roll over to look at the person sleeping next to you, and no longer recognize that person, or even be attracted to them Why does that happen? Do they change overnight? Nope! I guarantee it has happened over time! It is the slow evolution of person and this might mean that who you were originally attracted to and connected with is no longer there. They are a new person and you may find yourself no longer attracted to them. Maybe this means that sex with this person has become an obligation and you find yourself fantasizing about someone else when you do have sex. Maybe this means you don’t have sex. It definitely means that something has to change! So, what the heck do you do if you find yourself in this situation?
Change can be scary in any situation and especially when it comes to sex and how we relate to ourselves and others. Developing an understanding that our sexuality and how we sexually express ourselves is going to change and evolve and not making it wrong is the first step. Breath, relax everything will be ok.
The second step is celebrating it and embracing it. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, your partner probably has evolved too and wants to explore different things. This can be a fun time together to talk about what has changed.
Finally, let go! Start to look at the natural changes in your sex life from a place of inquiry and curiosity rather than a place of fear and resentment for both you and your partner.
Your (Sexual) Evolution Is Inevitable, so Resistance is Futile! 😉
- Posted by Dr. Stephen de Wit
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