Normal is one of the most damaging words that we hear around sex. Everyone is unique! Yet, despite this fact we have been taught that we need to express ourselves sexually in a very limited and particular way. And, if we don’t we are conditioned to believe that there’s something wrong with us: we’re abnormal, we’re bad, and we’re wrong. One of the most common questions I hear from people is “is that normal”? Or “am I normal?” The reality is that there is no normal! What makes you different is also what makes you unique and sexy!
Look, I get it: the desire for sexual symmetry (to be like everyone else, or at least appear to be) is strong. We want to identify with and belong to and connect with our partners. What I have learned through my own personal experience is that this thinking is limited and flawed. It’s limited because this desire for sexual symmetry does not allow for our own full self-expression: we become too careful and cautious so as to not reveal who we are and what we really want. It’s flawed because everybody else is playing the same game trying to stuff themselves into that same small, uncomfortable box.
As well, there are particular standards, ideals, norms and expectations about sex that limit our willingness to step outside of this box. For women, it’s usually having a particular body type, being more conservative and submissive, and being someone who doesn’t have a sexual voice. For men, it’s a particular body and penis size, a constant desire for sex, for pleasing our partners and being able to go for hours. These are all the things that keep us small. It prevents us from connecting with and having the sex that we want in our lives. The sexual diversity that you can access expands to the furthest reaches of your imagination. When it comes to sex do you really want to be normal or do you want to be yourself? Here’s 4 steps to develop a strong sense of sexual self-esteem.
First step, stop comparing yourself to others. Just stop………… Right now…………………… In this moment, accept yourself for who you are and to look forward to creating what you want in your life. This isn’t contingent on anything else: not on losing weight; not on having a more attractive partner (or even having a partner); not on having your body perform in the bedroom the way that you want it to. Comparing ourselves to others keeps us paralyzed.
F*** about Normal!
When it comes to sex, there is no such thing as normal. Don’t get attached to averages and statistics. Forget about the numbers. Sex is about being present, being connected, enjoying yourself, having fun. Don’t bring your accounting skills into the bedroom!
Stop Listening to the Wrong Person
Growing up in a sex negative society we tend to take it as a criticism of our abilities and attractiveness. We go into this whole crazy destructive mindset. I recommend that you stay away from people who make you feel bad about yourself. If anyone makes you feel bad about who are sexually that’s a red flag that you are not a good match for them. If you are ever in a situation where you feel pressured, or are made to feel guilty, or bad, or wrong about who you are, it’s a good opportunity to have a conversation and either create something new or leave that relationship.
When it comes to sex, it can be very different at times to love yourself, to love the part of you that for years you thought was unlovable or made unlovable. Forgive yourself. Don’t make yourself wrong for your past, because your past has no impact on right now. What you are doing is creating what you want in your life.
Following these 4 steps can move you well on your way to developing your sexual self esteem. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out.
- Posted by Dr. Stephen de Wit
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