Somewhere along the way, we got mixed up and believe that what we fantasize about will directly translate into our actions. Can you imagine if all the crazy things that we think about in our average day actually came to be? I for one would definitely be locked away without a key! You may even be my cellmate!
Let’s be clear: thinking about, day dreaming about, and fantasizing about doing something is not the same as doing something. The concept of having a pure mind, or only thinking pure thoughts is a recipe for a negatively reinforcing cycle.
Let’s try an example: Do not think about a red rose!………………………………………………… Why are you thinking about a red rose? Stop thinking about a red rose!…………………………………………….. I bet you are still thinking about a red rose.
It just doesn’t compute. Trying to control your thoughts is an exercise in futility. Punishing yourself for your thoughts or feeling guilty about them is a dangerous road to go down, for you will forever be making yourself wrong.
Clients will share with me that they feel guilty when they fantasize about someone else when they masturbate, or even when they are having sex. They feel like they’re cheating. Don’t! We were given an imagination; it is perfectly healthy and normal to fantasize about someone, or an activity, or sexual scenario that is as wild and different then your reality. As long as it is not interfering with your sexual relationship. Go nuts. Enjoy yourself.Often people are scared because they fantasize about a topic that they feel is taboo. Just because you fantasize about it does not mean that you want to or ever will do it in real life. Give yourself some space and embrace and enjoy your fantasies.
Fantasies allow us to experience the outer limits of our imagination safely, with no risk. Sometimes people share that they are scared because they actually want to experience their fantasies. What do you do then? What I suggest is break down the fantasy into small steps. Don’t go out and create the entire scenario in its entirety. That could be overwhelming and not produce the results that you want. And always communicate with your partner(s).
Experiment with one aspect of the fantasy; say the location, or what you are wearing, or what your partner is saying to you, or a specific thing that they do, you get the idea. Then take some time to reflect on it afterwards. Did it work? Were you comfortable with it? Were you aroused? Talk to your partner about it. From there you are free to explore another area of your fantasy. Come back next week for creating more of your fantasies.
- Posted by Dr. Stephen de Wit
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